The Sexual Wellness Industry Has a Payment Problem

Over the years, I’ve received emails & DMs from industry newbies who have requested “10–15 minutes” of my time on the phone, hoping to learn “how the industry works,” or for help identifying opportunities for their brand.

This isn’t exclusive to me, or the sexual wellness industry. It's possible that most consultants don't even reply.

Not only would I reply, but I usually agreed to these calls.

Every one exceeded 60 minutes. (No shit, right?)

For longer than I’d like to admit, I gladly answered every question, and then some, at the expense of my own income.

This is one of those nuanced topics that we (our industry) knows exists, but don’t openly discuss it. I suspect that other independent consultants might find themselves in similar situations.

That said, let’s uncover both sides of the sexual wellness industry payment problem, and how it’s time to put the free labor request to bed.

Being Nice Will Keep You Broke

I genuinely enjoy helping small, new-around-here brands and founders find their footing, so learning how to say “no,” and not feel guilty about it, has been a challenge.

These emails have often contained a variation of “I love your work,” or “thank you for the work you do,” which I find hilarious, because no you don’t. If you did, you’d love to pay me for it.

Imagine a customer emails your brand and says, “I’ve never tried your products before, but I’ve heard they’re great. Will you send me some for free?”

The audacity.

“15 Minutes” Is Never 15 Minutes

Recently, I received two of these emails, both basically asking for the same thing. One sender provided no business information or context for how they planned to use my insight. The other told me they wanted to explore becoming a “partner brand or potential customer.”

Potential “customer”? Were they looking for consulting? “Partner brand?” What would we partner on?

So I asked in my email reply. I also explained that I don’t offer 10–15 minute calls for general industry education, explained that a 60-minute advisory session seemed like the best match, sent an overview of my services, and asked what was most relevant to their goals.

I didn’t include any consulting rates.

Their response was more or less: You know your shit, and would be immediately valuable, but I’m too early-stage to invest in your services right now.

What that means: my expertise was “immediately valuable” up until I explained that access to it is a paid service.

Again, they didn’t even know my rates. What if I would’ve offered a 15-minute call for $5? (I wouldn’t have, but still.) They never bothered to ask for my rates.  

Instead, they proposed a “channel partner fee.” So, introduce the brand to retailers, help them get products on shelves, and give me a percentage (affiliate commission) of whatever sales might come from it.

You see? The “15-minute” phone conversation was B2B-focused: retail strategy, access to buyer relationships, and compensation only if those relationships made them money.

Getting into retail is hard. Getting a buyer to answer an email is hard. Building a relationship where I can personally put a product in front of that buyer and have my recommendation carry any weight took years.

That relationship is not a free qualified lead list.  

You’re Not Asking for 15 Minutes (And You Know It)

If you're asking someone to explain a whole ass industry to you, assess an opportunity, share market insight, give strategic feedback, or tell you what they've learned from years of doing the work, you're asking for professional expertise. Calling it a “quick chat” changes nothing. This is what you’re paying for:

The years it took to make any of this look easy.

Takeaways earned over thousands of long days, late nights, and lowball salaries.

Campaigns that flopped, posts that got shitty views, and the trial and error that taught me how to create better shit. 

Awkward sales calls that ended in “no” or “not right now,” but taught me what can motivate a buyer to order (and keep ordering).

Thousands of hours researching competitors, consumers, sales forecasts, and trends to figure out what works, what doesn't, and why.

All of the other ugly, dramatic, secretive, and nuanced shit that comes with this industry.

So instead of saying, “I love the work you do,” show us consultants in a form that supports our income – the same thing you expect from your customers.

Mainstream Goals, Minimal Budget

Veteran adult novelty marketers don’t get enough credit, and that’s often reflected in what employers are or aren’t willing to pay for. 

We are well-versed in creating meaningful content while avoiding banned words, and generic topics. We can pivot quickly because we know how fast platform policies can change, and still find a way to creatively market products on platforms that censor us harder than almost any other category.

Some brands with medium+ budgets will hire a mainstream agency, thinking that the mainstream agency knows something that industry marketers don’t. 

Yet many employers nickel-and-dime the seasoned consultant who is fluent in multiple areas, from product positioning and wholesale strategy to platform restrictions and consumer behavior. 

Excuse me, what? This is a billion dollar industry. Fucking pay us. 

For Anyone Selling or Buying Expertise

Unfortunately, a union that advocates for sexual wellness freelancers & independent consultants doesn’t exist. (Yet.) So all of us are out here on our own, setting our individual fees based on a variety of different factors, and not communicating about it.

Since there is no baseline for our type of highly specialized work, I think a lot of freelancers sell themselves short, which means there will always be someone who offers the same services for less money. And the cycle continues.

If you’re a freelancer or independent consultant in the adult novelty industry, stick to your rates. Politely decline. 

Compliments, exposure, and free products don’t put food on the table.

Giving your professional expertise or time away for free, accepting less money for the same work, or disregarding the invisible labor behind what we do only reinforces the expectation that the next person should do it, too.

Your rate has to cover more than the hours you spend doing the work. Make sure it covers the research, admin, software, taxes, healthcare, sick days, unpaid time off, slow months, revisions, and all the hours required to run the business around the work. And don’t forget to pay yourself! Salary is separate. 

If you’re a business owner or employee looking to access someone's professional expertise: save “I like the work you do,” and the entire email altogether if you have no intention of offering compensation.

The irony that I just dished out this advice for free is not lost on me.

I have a heart. I also have bills.

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Respectfully,

Your 15 minutes are billable.